NOTE; THIS POST IS EMOTIONAL & COULD BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME
Once the c-section was was complete, I laid there… wondering what was next. They took Benjamin up to the maternity ward, I was left in the operating room for a half hour. The room was cold, I could not move, and my husband and baby had left. That was the longest half hour.
I clearly remember them moving me from the table to a bed, I just looked at my legs.. they felt like weighted 1 000 lbs! I had no control or feeling, it was so strange. I was thankful when I was finally on my way up! I was greeted in the maternity ward hallway by my husband holding our little 4 lbs 15 oz peanut. He was so small, and also not impressed. He had just gotten his vitamin K shot. He was just the cutest little peanut ever! For most of the nurses, he was the smallest baby they have ever had on the ward.
That night the nurses decided to keep Benjamin in a separate room than me. There was no nursery at this hospital … but they needed to keep a close eye on him. He was placed in an incubator, his umbilical cord was kept long and moist to have IV access if needed. (thank goodness they did not need to use it)
It was really appreciated that they had let me rest for the rest of the night and morning. We had one nurse on staff that night that was a blessing. She used to work at a children’s hospital, she had been around many premies and even super-premies. She had figured out a way to get Benjamin to start sucking, she gave him a pacifier and fed him formula through a syringe and feeding tube! This was amazing, it did not take him long before he was able to take a bottle.
I was trying to breast feed in the beginning, but because he was so small I had to supplement him with formula anyways. I was breast feeding with a nipple shield, pumped and supplemented. This was when I found out that not all women are built to breast feed. I was one of them. Plus having a baby with such a tiny mouth.. there was no way he was getting a good latch. This was all very exhausting, emotionally and physically.
Finally after 4 days in the hospital we were able to leave. Benjamin left weighing 4.5 lbs, did you know that this is the minimum weight for a car seat… I had never even thought about that until we got so many comments over the fact that he was so small. Unfortunately, this became a trigger for me… that saying that he was so small. Thank you world I know he is small! I was starting to get very frustrated over those comments. No mater how big he got people always thought he was younger than what he actually was. At that time I had a hard time processing this, but I know that he was premie and I should of not taken those comments negatively. However, in that mindset it was just too much for me.
A lot of my friends and co-workers were shocked with the news about the delivery, they had so many questions for me. I was initially okay with talking about everything, but after a while it got really frustrating and really sad. People would make comments like “well at least you don’t have stretch marks”, that’s just it! I missed 5 weeks of my pregnancy! I don’t know what it feels to be very uncomfortable, I don’t know what it feels like to have your water break, I don’t know what contractions feel like, and the list goes on. All these things are some what of a right of passage into mother hood. After a while I started describing it as being robbed of my last 5 weeks of pregnancy. That’s right, robbed! There was no answers as to why I had a severe placenta abrupto and that really messed with my mind.
I started loosing my mind. There were times where he would cry so much that I would just make him a bottle, and bring him to my neighbours to care for him for a few hours. I would be in tears, not believing that I mentally could not do it at that time. Other times, I would just place him in his crib and would go sit on the front step of the house. I just needed a break. I hated the fact that I couldn’t not mentally deal with it. I thought motherhood was supposed to be something amazing. I was in denial of having depression. I did not know exactly what was going on. I hated the person that I had become. I used to be oh so bubbly, always able to stand my ground. This was not me. What did I become.
I had officially lost my smile…